it's like i don't want to live yet i don't want to die. it's like i'm breathing but sometimes i just don't want to, smiling even when i don't want to too. it's like i'm living life half-dead. i don't have a purpose in life but i don't see any reason why i should die either.

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the big O's pressure is finally kicking in. cried the day before ss+maths paper and it's just mid-year. i'm scared, honestly. and even like this, i don't have the drive to do well anyways.

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sanjay and me have been having a LOT of heart-to-heart talks nowadays. and i swear all i do is whine to her about the past. about how i miss 2010. about him. about him. about how fun things used to be. i wonder if anyone know or will ever know the feeling of still being stuck in the past while everyone have moved on. everyone have things to do now yet i'm here dwelling on my past. regretting about this and that. i just want to rewind. i want to feel that feeling i had back in 2010.

but too bad, everything's gone now. and by everything, i really mean everything. family, relatives, friends. everything; out the door. everything seems pointless now. i don't see a reason to do this or that.

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the talk with sanjay just now made me think if you still remember me. if you still think about me now and then like i think of you. do you? you've obviously moved on, haven't you? hah, of course you did after how i treated you. you're doing well now, so so well. i'm proud looking at you appearing on the papers and all. if i could, i would have already told you how proud i am seeing how you started so small and became this big. but congrats. really. maybe if fate allow, our paths will cross and we'll meet again. but for now, i won't forgot your affection.

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ah, why am i crying again. why am i always crying. why am i so weak now. why. just.. why. things happen for a reason, wani. all of this is retribution for the shits you did. all you have to do is work harder and hope things will get better (which they won't obviously), just..... 힘내~