5 in the morn and I'm typing this in the dark. Sucks that I didn't get a laptop with backlit keyboard but its okay, I don't want to see how much tears have fallen.

Watched Sunny just now and I guess there was when the tears all started falling. Loved that movie and I think I'll still cry after watching it a million times. Was kind of jealous of what a strong bond they had (and how pretty Suji is) but that aside... I have really no idea why I'm crying.

Saw your tweet about still keeping the notes. I wonder if its me you're talking about. Reminds of the days I spent sneaking out of the house to hold your hand and just hangout under some block. The whole 'no-strings-attached' was a pretty cool concept. And I remembered telling you that you wouldn't catch me with a "boyfriend" till like 5 years... and there goes your note. I wonder if you still remember anything between us. I have always just remembered our messy part of the r/s but seeing your tweet reminds me of the sweet stuffs. The warmth with you, watching movies on your phone under the stars, me going over your house to take care of you. That was pretty sweet of me. But yup, seeing you tweet that got a toll on me. It's not even exactly a year and I totally just broke that front of me. How smooth, Wani. Real damn smooth.

 But that's not the point, it just brings me back to how heartbroken I was when you walked away after all the promises and now it got me thinking if things would happen again. I'll be too scared, for real. I hope everyday that you won't walk away from me. No matter how clingy I am, how paranoid I get, how insecure I get and how all of these annoying traits of mine gets me pissed off at you for no reason. I'm so thankful to have you and all of a sudden, I miss your hug. Your tight hugs, the one that always assure me every damn time. You make me feel so good about myself which I haven't in a long time. Let's not forget your stupid jokes that always make me smile so dumbly because they're always so inappropriate or always too lame. Your smile and your kisses too. I feel so whole but at the same time.... so empty. And I don't know why.

I honestly think I should get a penknife asap. Just for... the thrill of it again. Sounds sickening but, I just feel like it. And times like this I wonder, how will I be in the future? Will I be successful and living up to my dreams? Or will I actually be the opposite? Just like one of the girls in Sunny... which was quite painful to see. I'm just 17 tho, why do I have such silly thoughts. I wish someone could just enlighten me but nowadays.. I don't even know who to go to.

x